My Inner Dilemma: Different Sides of Me

Inner Cool GirlBeach Babe

One thing I can say about myself that I mean from the bottom of my heart is that I am entirely authentic and always have been.
When I get ready in the mornings and put full effort into my appearance (which is an every day occurrence) I am doing it for me and only me, not to impress or fit in with anyone else.
It has always come naturally to me to do so, even dating back to my tween days when I would find my way around the school dress code and my peers would comment on my overly edgy way of dressing. I never thought twice about it and continued doing it.
In fact, at 13 years old, I was convinced I would be a singer someday, and a 20 year old I knew at the time once said to me; “Your first album should be called ‘Nothing to Hide'”.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been one to dive into the deep end when it came to my interests in attempts to create something amazing. I have also wanted to make the most of every single moment and turn everything I possibly can into a memory. My point is; the authentic part I’ve got down. I love myself.
However, there is one part of authenticity that I am currently questioning in my mind, and I am curious as to whether or not there are others who share the same wonder.
Although I can’t come up with a name for my style (lifestyle and dress style), there are certain things I know about myself…

❤ I never go a day without wearing a ton of rings, there are some that I never take off (it has been that way since I was 12)

❤ I only feel my best if I am fully done up (hair, makeup, and nails)

❤ I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being outside

❤ I can't go more than a couple of days without creating something…writing, painting, drawing, lettering, jewelry making

❤ I'm 100% meant to be self-employed

❤ animals must be a part of my life

❤ New experiences are what I live for (coffee shops, cafes + restaurants, hikes, beaches, boutiques, destinations)

At the current phase in my life, my main source of income does not allow me to be my most authentic self. Not only does it take up a ton of hours that I could be using to pursue my calling, but also:

-Does not allow ink or facial piercings
-Has a rigid dress code
and most importantly
-Does not align with my values of creativity, pleasure, self-respect, or really anything to be honest.

But the good news is, I am slowly transitioning into being self-employed and my dream with a deadline is only about a year and a half away. It's currently just my means to an end, therefore it is endurable.

When the day comes that I am free to be whoever I want to be and my "work from anywhere" lifestyle begins, there are a few different paths I could take, and I don't know which one.

The non-negotiables that I mentioned above are some aspects of me that are never going to change regardless of the style/lifestyle I choose to take. My inner dilemma is that there are multiple sides to me and I ruminate about what it would take to merge all of them while still being authentically me.

Let me tell you a little bit about each side that is within me and the lifestyles I would live.

Moon on ForeheadHenna and RingsPhases of Moon on Forehead

I would live a very laid back and minimalistic lifestyle. I already do so to some degree, but this would be on a much larger scale. I wouldn’t have a permanent home, but would couch surf, acknowledging my wanderlust, and live wherever I wanted for short periods of time.
-Tampa, FL
meeting as many people as I could and documenting their stories. It would be my dream to have a Volkswagen bus to gallivant around the country until I was ready to explore my next destination in another part of the world.
Every day I would wear whatever I wanted.
❤ Flash Tattoos
❤ Flower Crowns
❤ Tons of Gold Jewelry
❤ Hair Extensions, Partial Dreads, Tousled Hair
I would have my septum pierced along with the right nostril piercing that I already have and both tragus' would be pierced.
I would get new ink as the ideas came to me without looking back.
My income would come from several different places.
…Content creating in coffee shops (Do you like the alliteration), selling art and jewelry at farmers markets and online, guest writing for any brand that aligns with my values.
I wouldn't do anything that my heart didn't desire.
I would regularly attend yoga sessions and women circles.
I would make it a yearly occurrence to attend festivals like Coachella and Burning Man.
I would feel no guilt over any purchase that brought me tremendous joy.
-Event tickets
-Clothes I love
-Sentimental Jewelry
-Cute drinkware
I would spend my days off writing in creative spaces or painting by places such as the Smith River
I could live this way for the rest of my life and be the happiest girl on earth.

Rita OraSophisticated Cool Girl
This side of me would live a little more traditionally. Thriving in a big city such as New York’s Upper East Side or Chicago’s Lincoln Park/Lakeview neighborhood (which I’ve already done) the city’s hotspots would be my everything.
I would dress trendy and elegantly, perfectly accessorized with my hair looking like I went to DryBar every day.
I would be friends with all of the locals, know all of the best boutiques for home decor and clothes, and always make time for spa days and self-love.
My work would consist of writing for blogs, teaching yoga, and life coaching. My leisure time would be spent at museums, concerts, and city events. I would have it all together, and be living it and loving it.

CharityWarrior YogaShelby
This side of me is definitely the most different from how I live today, but she is on the inside just waiting to come out. Actually, this side of me was inspired by two Instagram personalities I adore and follow very closely, the two babes in these photos charity.grace and shelby.sheene.
Although I eat a very conscious and healthy, mostly vegan diet, the one thing that is missing is the being active part.
With the exception of yoga, I have never been consistent about moving my body, mainly because I haven’t found a strength training or cardio of choice that makes me come alive. But these two beauties have beyond inspired me and I am determined.
I already wear yoga pants on a daily basis and would love to find a way to style active wear to still look sexy and elegantly beautiful.
I would continue to be myself by still wearing full makeup and wearing my hair down and flow during workouts. It would become my way of life and I would definitely post regular videos of any fun workouts I do.
-American Ninja Warrior Competitions
-Bikini Competitions
-5ks, 8ks, 10ks
-Yoga Sessions
You name it, I would be in it, and no one would ever want to mess with me.
I’m in the process of guiding this side of me to come out.

Although I’m not sure whether or not there are more sides to me, these three are the most prominent and the three that I want to pursue most. If I were to be my ideal most authentic self, I would be a blend of all three.
I just need the secret to how. If you have any ideas, pretty please share.

2 thoughts on “My Inner Dilemma: Different Sides of Me

Add yours

  1. I applaud you and your journey!! ❤ I struggle often with feeling like I need to "pin down" or commit to a certain identity. LOL! I have so many sides of me as well. It is us that puts the labels on it and then strives to classify it, such as while I'm on this new spiritual quest and redefining my beliefs and how I take care of myself, somehow I'm supposed to embody more of an outward hippie persona versus a soccer mom persona. This identity struggle has led me and I'm sure others like me, to not fully comprehend, let alone embrace their authenticity.

    Liked by 1 person

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